Magic Number: The Perfect Human, Villains & Mustaches

Welcome to sports purgatory: week 2.

As I mentioned last week, the month of February is a miserable sports wasteland.

Sure, there’s the Super Bowl and the start of spring training, but beyond that … nothing.

I guess if it’s your sort of thing, there is regular season NBA “action” and college basketball and … ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry, I literally just dozed off.

I suppose I could watch some regular season hockey, but I don’t think the TVs in my house receive any channel not affiliated with Nickelodeon or Disney before the kids go to bed.

It’s gotten so bad that I’m actually looking forward to the Daytona 500 next week. NASCAR for the love of Pete!

How did it come to this?

Anyway, the lack of action has forced me to get creative this week. So if things get a little weird, don’t blame me. Blame February.

This week’s Magic Number is 5 since it adorns the back of the sweater (hockey term) of the answer to this question …

#1 – Twenty years from today, which current athlete has the best chance to be thought of as the greatest to ever play his position?

Forget LeBron James or Kobe Bryant, there will always be Michael Jordan.

Forget Tom Brady, there will always be Joe Montana.

And for now I’ll say forget Albert Pujols. Through no fault of his own (so far), there will always be the cloud of performance enhancing drugs hanging over his era of baseball.

The all-time greatest athlete, that is still active, is Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom.

Last week he became the National Hockey League’s all-time leader in games played with one organization on the same night in which the team he’s captained since 2006 tied the league record with its 20^th consecutive home victory.

And that was merely the latest achievement in a 20-year career that has included:

*4 Stanley Cups

*7 Norris Trophies (Given to the NHL’s top defenseman)

*1 Gold Medal

*1^st European-born player to win the Conn Smythe Trophy as playoff MVP

*1^st European-born player to captain a Stanley Cup winner

A valid case can also be made for Bobby Orr and Ray Bourque as the greatest defenseman ever to play in the NHL, but Lidstrom is the only one of the three to have faced and thrived versus past legends such as Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux, as well as bigger, faster current stars that include the likes of Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby.

All this while missing a grand total of 29 games. Ever.

There are people in this country that miss that many days of work in a single year while spending all day in a cubicle.

Including the playoffs, he’s played in 1,809 out of a possible 1,838 games. And most of that ice time has come matched up mano e mano against the opposing team’s best players in possibly the most physical game in the world.

To put it in further perspective, I stretch for 10 minutes before shoveling the driveway and I still get sore. And I’m not even going to mention the time I fell on the ice during an intramural broomball game in college and couldn’t lift my left arm for a week.

Crap. Nevermind.

Lidstrom is the smoothest, most consistent and efficient athlete I’ve ever seen. And to top it off, he may be the nicest and most humble.

He’s been called “The Perfect Human” and I don’t disagree.

Feel free to try and besmirch him. Others have attempted … and failed … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDsdpun8T3Q

#2 – If Lidstrom starred in the latest Liam Neeson movie The Grey how long would it have lasted?

I give it about 15 minutes.

Lidstrom would have had those wolves fetching his slippers and dancing for treats before you could finish your popcorn.

#3 – Did Elin Nordegren ruin golf?

I’ll answer your question with a few of my own.

Would it ruin Star Wars if Darth Vader wasn’t conquering the galaxy?

Would it ruin The Silence of the Lambs if Clarice didn’t have Hannibal Lecter playing mind games with her?

Would it ruin The Wizard of Oz if The Wicked Witch of the West didn’t exist and Dorothy just took an afternoon in Munchkinland to visit Glinda the Good Witch and get away from her chores on the farm?

Hell yes she ruined golf!

Ever since that fateful Thanksgiving night in 2009 when the then Mrs. Tiger Woods, 3-wood in hand, chased her cheating husband down what I’m assuming was a very long and palatial driveway, the sport of golf has never been the same.

Quick, name me three major champions since Tiger was forced to give up strippers and pretend apologize in front of the nation almost two years ago to the day.

I’ll give you one: Phil Mickelson, 2010 Masters.

Anyone else?

I’ll refrain from supplying you the rest of the winners since you most likely wouldn’t know whether or not I was telling the truth or just listing off the first 11 names I pointed to in the phonebook.

Love him or hate him, Tiger Woods in contention was must-see TV … well, as must-see TV as golf can be. Let’s just say that it made it more difficult to nap through.

However, for the first time in a very long while, we got a little taste of that last weekend when Woods made a run at the Pebble Beach National Pro-Am title. To make things even more enticing, he was paired with Mickelson for the final round.

To golf fans, the Tiger/Phil duel on Sunday had to feel like chugging a pot of coffee while snorting a Red Bull compared to the tryptophan finishes that the PGA has delivered since Elin derailed the sport.

Batman needs The Joker.

Superman needs Lex Luthor.

I need Tom Brady.

Great entertainment almost always requires a memorable villain. Having someone to root against is just as important as needing a hero to save the day.

If there’s no true bad guy you end up with the last three Spider-Man movies where deep inside every evildoer is a heart of gold.

This is golf when Tiger Woods is charging up the leaderboard on Sunday … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJIZUjaNL8E

Now take a look at what you end up with when the old Tiger is missing in action … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFQJenq8Fb8

#4 – Are you honestly telling your female readers that you’re blaming a scorned woman for the decreased entertainment value of a sport when all she did was punish her unfaithful husband?

Ladies .. c’mon. I think you know me better than that.

But just in case, this should smooth things over … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCHeorcaYYQ

#5 – What do NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon and country music “superstar” Blake Shelton have in common?

Two things:

1. I have an imaginary rivalry with each of them.
2. Both are ruining their respective industries.

What evidence do I have to defend this claim?

The answer is easy: look no further than cowboy hats and mustaches.

When Shelton first hit the music scene he sported a cowboy hat just like every other self-respecting male country singer. He even threw in an awesome (and I mean awesome) mullet for good measure.

However, his career trudged along with moderate success.

Enter the stylist.

Next thing you know, Shelton is dressed like a politician and either singing a ballad or trying to convince us how country he is in a duet with Trace Adkins. Oh, and he’s plastered all over TV judging talent competitions and appearing at every red carpet event on planet Earth.

By the way, there’s a new Subway opening up about six blocks from my office. Rumor has it he may attend the grand opening. If you can stand the sound of crackling hair product, make plans to come out and see him.

If you want the most definitive proof of his destruction of country music just turn on CMT or GAC for half an hour. Minus a few exceptions, you’ll see a parade of perfectly coiffed artists trying to make the viewers swoon. Clones.

You’re probably thinking … the lush facial hair of Brooks & Dunn will save us!

Sorry, but no rescue is in sight. They split up in 2010 … the same year that Shelton won Male Vocalist of the Year at the Country Music Awards.

Coincidence? I think not.

And what about Gordon?

Well, when he burst onto the NASCAR scene in 1993 he looked like most of the other drivers on the circuit, proudly sporting a mustache, albeit a junior version.

However, although he captured Rookie of the Year honors that season, he didn’t win a race.

Enter the stylist.

Along comes 1994 and Gordon is the new clean-shaven face of NASCAR with his first career victory and a top 10 finish in the Winston Cup points standings.

The following year, Gordon captured his first Cup championship and the sport has never been the same.

The proof?

In 1993, 10 drivers entered the Daytona 500 rocking handsome, full mustaches.

In 2011, not one single driver walked onto pit road of “The Great American Race” looking like a Magnum P.I. stunt double.

Shameful.

Country music stars and NASCAR drivers are not supposed to resemble this … http://4.bp.blogspot.com/nZENGK9mQ6Q/TuLYKseZ6TI/AAAAAAAAEao/16FIec287H4/s1600/Hugh%252BJackman%252B2011%252BBAM%252BTheater%252BGala%252BFUs1QWMEDiTl.jpg

It’s downright un-American.

This is how they should look … http://m.popstar.com/Gallery/Celebrity/T/Tom+Selleck/Photos/00000028-5072.jpg

… dammit! Wrong picture.

Let’s try that again.

This is how they should look … http://images.wikia.com/truegrit/images/b/b9/Tom_Selleck.jpg

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go figure out how to erase the search history on my computer.

See you next week!