Welcome, NFL Playoffs, to Friday the 13th

Welcome to Friday the 13^th.

It is a day so steeped in superstition that it has been blamed for everything from deaths to financial ruin across the globe.

However, for Miami Dolphins fans such as myself, you can attach the number 13 to any day of the week, because we don’t see curses and black cats. We only see the best passer football has ever seen: Dan Marino.

And although his records may have tumbled over the course of this season, as well as those of recent past, we all know that those numbers represent something bigger … a time when football was football.

Before replay.

Before creative group touchdown celebrations were banished.

Before looking cross-eyed at wide receivers was frowned upon.

Before the slightest caress of the opposing quarterback cost your defense 15 yards.

Ah, the good old days.

That’s what the number 13 represents to me. So in honor of that legendary digit, let’s take a look at 13 vital questions as we head into the National Football League’s Divisional Round of the Playoffs …

Will you doubt Tim Tebow again this week? Not me and never again. Even as he was decapitating my playoff fantasy team last week, I was still rooting for him. It’s as simple as this: if you don’t at least privately cheer for Tim Tebow you’re probably wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey and have no soul. See you in Hell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAIQWzW1MIc

Is anyone buying Tom Brady’s phony “I’m-such-a-competitor-look-at-how-mad-I-am-even-though-we’re-up-21” act? Seriously. Have you noticed this charade he puts on about once a week? It’ll be about halfway through the 3^rd quarter, New England will be up 35-14 on an over-matched opponent such as Buffalo and he’ll rip off his helmet to yell at someone because they had to kick a field goal. If he wasn’t an NFL quarterback with hundreds of millions of dollars to his name and a supermodel wife waiting for him at home in his mansion bigger than the entire block on which I live, I’d feel sorry for him. That being said, at least I’ve never been caught on video acting like this … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgi2lY62Hto

Will anyone bring up the fact that the Patriots have not won a Super Bowl since they got caught cheating? This is never going to happen, because the media is petrified of Bill Belichick. It’s as if they’re scared that he’s going to show up at their daughter’s soccer game, run up the score, not shake anyone’s hand and then give them zero interesting quotes afterward. The only solace I have is knowing that Karma can’t possibility let me down. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwC1rhjzmRg

Can anyone tell me what the hell is painted near mid-field at Gillette Stadium? Honestly, what is that thing? The only idea I can come up with is that it’s a new razor by Gillette that injects electricity straight into your face if you even think about questioning “the Patriot way.” I suppose I could Google the answer, but what’s the fun in that? I’ll figure it out someday.

Will my wife be able to resist the temptation to giggle every single time an announcer talks about a tight end? Not a chance. And as long as commentators continue to utter phrases such as, “A young quarterback’s best friend is a good tight end,” history is doomed to repeat itself. She’s hasn’t ruined football for me yet, but she’s definitely changed the way I look at Tony Gonzalez. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj3VphK9AMk

What’s the over/under on how many times this weekend my 4-year-old daughter will say, “I saw that guy’s butt?” Like mother, like daughter.

Will the 49ers bore us all to tears in an attempt to slow down Drew Brees and the Saints? They have to. I’ve watched the Niners a few times this year and they actually have the personnel to pull this off. However, in order to accomplish it, they’ll have to go BCS Championship Game boring to do so. Hand it to Frank Gore 150 times, play nasty defense and throw 3-yard passes to Vernon Davis. Just keep it away from Ted Ginn Jr. Trust me on this one. Different uniform, same hands … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYSxJgjjJFc

Am I going to watch the Texans/Ravens game? That depends on what’s on the SyFy Channel. Let me check … “Messengers” starring Bella from the “Twilight” movies followed by “Dark Water,” a “moody ghost story” from 2003. Luckily, I won’t have to decide. My 10-year-old daughter has a basketball game during this one. Her team will probably win by 20, which is about what the Ravens should do to the Texans. Baltimore is REALLY good at home.

Which term will CBS use more often when they refer to Ray Lewis: warrior or alpha dog? This man scares the crap out of me. Ray Lewis may be the number one reason that I don’t play in the NFL today. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it’s at least top 5 along with size, speed, strength and courage. A few years ago, I was actually asked by an indoor football player here in Sioux City if I played. He thought I looked like a receiver and told me I should try out for the team. My response to him? “Is it tackle?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0ysMOV8TYU

Will my mom make it three weeks in a row and ask me if the Dolphins are in the playoffs? The odds are better than 50/50 that she will. Bless her heart. This video’s for you, mom … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmTRRu4CBT4

Do the Giants have any hope of stopping Aaron Rodgers? It’s been three weeks since Rodgers has played a game. In that span, he’s seen his backup throw for 6 touchdowns in the season finale, listened to misguided whispers that maybe Drew Brees is the real league MVP and has been called a system QB. I could recruit four employees from Wal-Mart, challenge the starting five of the Boston Celtics and still have a better shot at a win than the Giants do at Lambeau this weekend. SPOILER ALERT: Here’s Rodgers’ line for Sunday: 33-45, 394 yards, 5 TDs. All the while inspiring a nation … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPdC1ltLWvU

Since it is Friday the 13^th, what is the wildest upset possibility of the Divisional Round? The aforementioned 49ers can beat the Saints. Call it a gut feeling, but the Saints have been playing at such a high level for so long that they’re due for a stinker (see: Week 14, Packers at Chiefs). A rested team on their home field, with a defense that can be dominating, is a problem for a Saints offense that isn’t nearly as potent outdoors on the road. Add in the fact that my sister is a huge Niners fan, and I’d like for her to continue to talk to me after she reads this, and I’ll take the 49ers in the weekend’s biggest upset.

Well, then who will win the other three games? In order of my confidence in them, I’ll take the Packers, Ravens and Patriots.

At this time, I’d like to publicly apologize to the fans of the Packers, Raven, Patriots and 49ers since I’ve probably just cursed your team. It’s been that kind of football season for me.

Feel free to blame the number 13 jersey I’m wearing.